I’ve neglected posting lately, lots of things on my mind and happening in my world.  There have been some subtle changes in my body.  The sensations I’ve had in my thighs, knees, and feet have intensified.  I am aware of them all the time now.  Before there were times when the nerve/muscle sensations were very active and I was conscious of their presence, especially during and after exercising.  But at other times they seemed absent.  Now when I attempt to curl my toes, the nerves tell my brain that they are curling all the way under like they could before my injury, but there are only slight trembling movements in the toes.  At times I’m not sure if it isn’t the muscles in my upper thigh and buttocks that aren’t causing the movements in my feet that I’m taking for toe movements, they are so slight.  Lying in bed trying to raise and move my legs, it feels like I should be able to raise my leg easily to an angled position.  The strength of the nerve/muscle sensation is that strong.  All that happens is that I can visually see the upper thigh and abdominal core muscles tighten, which gives the illusion of movement in the upper leg.  It causes a shift in the whole leg that resembles an upward thrust of a leg being raised.  Now, I am aware of the nerves and muscles in most of my lower legs all of the time.  They are a constant.  There isn’t a moment when they aren’t letting me know they are present, buzzing and tingling.  Such an odd sensation to be feeling these things at all.  There were a lot of years when there was nothing, no sensation or feeling.  In some ways I know this is a miraculous thing, but in others I ponder the ramifications of it all.  Is truly feeling more pain a good thing?  Is it right to hate to get up in the mornings because of the struggle to just get out of bed is so intense, with my body being so stiff that I can hardly move and the pain screaming through my nerves?  What part of living seems so worthwhile?  There are a lot of things to think about.  For now, all I can do is keep working at it and hope that someday I see some motor control of the muscles in my lower body and that my body heals itself.

I still haven’t seen any development of bladder or bowel sensation.  I can still urinate if I can sit on the toilet, but still can’t go sitting in my wheelchair.  Don’t know if this is a purely psychological block on my part or if positioning is the all important aspect of being able to go.  Here again, all I can do is keep trying.  It will either happen or it won’t.  Worrying about it isn’t going to make it all suddenly start working.

Therapy continues to brutalize my hands, wrists, and forearms, especially my right arm.  I think I am developing tendinitis in my right wrist, which also affects the tendons and ligaments in forearm.  It aches and hurts all the time.  I can’t pick things up at times.  I get excruciating pains shooting up my arm when I attempt to lift an object.  I’ve started wrapping an ace bandage around my wrist and a pressure strap on the upper forearm.  This seems to minimize the pain and pressure somewhat, but doesn’t alleviate the problem.  Overuse and over stressing the tendons and joints are causing the problem.  Unfortunately, being in a wheelchair causes you to have to rely on your arms and hands for every thing.  There is no getting around it.  It is a fact of life and just has to be dealt with.  The discomfort and pain will only go away if I can stop using my arms and hands for locomotion and that ain’t going to happen.  The rehab walking is the biggest culprit of the over-pressure, stress, and overuse of the hands and wrists.  If I choose to stop trying to walk, then maybe these symptoms will go away.  Not much of a decision is it?  Oh well, it sucks to be me at times.

Spring has sprung here in western Colorado.  All of the trees and shrubs are budding out.  Daytime temperatures are getting to the point you don’t need a coat or vest during the day.  T-shirts and shorts are the norm.  Mornings are still cool, but not cold.  Seems so contradictory to be wearing shorts and look east towards the mountains, where they’re still lay huddled under a deep blanket of snow.  I wonder what our Indian friends would think?  They would probably freeze, based on having experienced their winters.

Well, wish us luck and good fortune.  We have a long road ahead of us.  Peace be with you.